i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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