barbara walters just said penis...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
