I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
