what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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