just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
