Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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