we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
