i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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