that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
