I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
