a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
