Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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