What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
