oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize