he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
