just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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