you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
