mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
