Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
