she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
