How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
