I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
