I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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