no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
