I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
