I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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