Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
