New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
