My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
