He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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