So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
