Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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