if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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