You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
