don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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