Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
