My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
