When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
