I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
