i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
