We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
