Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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