can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
