I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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