I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
