Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
