I want to have your abortion
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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