My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i think im in europe. pls send help
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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