Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize