I wish I could teleport
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
