Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i permit you to call me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
