Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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