I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
