Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
