i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
