Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
