Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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