i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
