I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
