The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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