I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
