Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
