Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
