Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
