its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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