You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
