I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
