It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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