I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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