the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
In other news, I just burned my penis
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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