Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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