you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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