Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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